Final Fantasy XV: A Ridiculous Summary

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Final Fantasy XV is quite an epic game, but with every game comes faults, plot holes, or just plain weirdness.

This isn’t a typical review, but rather a ridiculous summary of the game, so take note; spoilers ahead. Lots of spoilers. Really.  
We start off with Keanu Reeves in fancy clothing – oh wait, that’s just Noctis, our protagonist. But anyway, everything is on FIRE. And some dude is sitting on a throne like he’s bored, but he’s surrounded by FIRE. Is this the devil? Shit, things are falling, and you have to get to cover, but you’re on fire. Cloud Strife smacks the fire out, the Last Samurai slams you into cover, while Megane-kun heals you. Phew, you’re fine.

But it’s over. We’re not at this point yet, but ~FORESHADOWING~

Cut to the present – or, you know, when you start playing. A Japanese boy band stands before the king. The king sends his son off to get married with his entourage of fabulous J-Pop/K-Pop haired beauties. Noctis doesn’t seem to give a shit about being a Prince, and can’t hightail his ass out of there quickly enough.

As he’s leaving, King Papa tells him to wait, and still doesn’t tell him the full truth about the prophecy surrounding his life. King Regis basically tells him to behave himself and when he leaves Insomnia (Is it New York? The city that never sleeps?) that he can’t return. Damn, that’s one way to kick your kid out when they refuse to pay rent.

Like two minutes into their travels, their car breaks down. You would think that prior to a long road trip, you’d get that shit serviced. So they have to push their car to the next stop. For whatever reason, they’re always complaining this area is hot, but Prompto is laying on the asphalt. Shouldn’t he be sizzling? You know, like when people cook eggs on the asphalt to show off just how hot it is?

Anyway, they make it to Hammerhead after Stand by Me by Florence + The Machine plays, which is a local garage outside of Insomnia, and they’re greeted by Cindy, a chick with a teeny, tiny waist and legs for miles. Prompto is practically falling over himself for her. Her grandfather, Cid (because what’s a Final Fantasy without a Cid?) berates them about stuff and is going to fix the car for a steep fee to teach them a lesson. About the value of the dollar, I’m sure.

They don’t have that much money (or any at all after, actually) because who brings money with them when they embark on a trip? Also, apparently Insomnia doesn’t use ‘Gil’ so the assumption is that they have the Royal Insomnian Pound, Dollar, BitCoins, or something like that.

So the rich boys are poor. Cindy tells them they can do tasks for Gil, which in this case, is Hunts, and it becomes an integral part to not only helping the boys level up, but gain Gil as well. When they head into Takka’s to get information about the area and sign up for hunts, the dude is STARING RIGHT AT THEM, but the second you go to talk to him, he gets all startled and flustered. OK, guy. He also has Forrest Whitaker eye.

Anyway, Cindy also sends them out on a mission to get rid of some ‘varmints’ and then they receive a call from her about a hunter missing. Somehow she knows almost his exact location, so I guess ‘missing’ isn’t the proper term in this case, but I digress.

After slaughtering a bunch of stuff to find Dave, he sends them on yet another errand (because he’s The Errand Prince) to kill a rhinoceros with two red horns that’s apparently an angry mutant. The boys dispatch of it, Dave is happy, their car troubles are paid off, and they’re on their way to Galdin Quay.

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Once there, they head to the docks to board the ship to Altissia. BUT OH WAIT. There are no boats coming or going. It’s under some Imperial hold or some shit. I didn’t really pay attention.

This Italian gangster from Long Island – I mean this reporter guy starts talking to them and sends them on an errand for stones in exchange for getting them on a boat to Altissia. Sounds too good to be true. Apparently he wants to make jewelry and needs your help. You can’t really do any other missions, aside from hunts. Whatevs, OK, let’s go.

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Hike, hike, hike, because we gotta get Gladio’s skill level up and it’s the most time consuming. Working our way up, and BAM, there’s this huge ass bird sleeping near the gem. Grab it and go – but of course, as we’re leaving, it wakes up. Just run out of it’s radius and you’re good. Back to Galdin, throw that gem at Dino and then it’s time to go night night as he works on securing you a spot on a boat.

As the boys are having a slumber party in fake Bora Bora, the Imperials decide to stab King Regis in the back. Apparently Lucis and the Imperials were going to sign a ceasefire BUT WE ALL KNOW IT’S ALWAYS A RUSE. EVERYONE LIES.

Noctis wakes up to Ignis bringing in a newspaper and showing them the headlines about Insomnia falling. Apparently no one gets BBC Alerts on their smartphones. Noctis freaks out, and they decide – against better judgment – to go back to Insomnia.

They head on back, and naturally, there’s a blockade getting into Insomnia. Also – get used to it, there will be a lot of blockades in this game. So they take a secret sort of back way into the city, which has quite a few Magitek Troopers crawling around. Kick some ass, don’t take names, and they make their way to a cliff overlooking the remains of Insomnia, where Prompto has a newscast playing; it indicates the king is dead, along with Noctis and Lunafreya. Noctis freaks out, it starts to drizzle, and their hair is still impeccably styled. I want to know what products they use. Noct’s phone rings, and it’s Cor, telling him to go back to Hammerhead.

We’re shown a cut scene with Lunafreya crossing through a border and meeting two dogs. There’s a ~mysterious~ woman in black garb. The dog gives Lunafreya a notebook, then the screen starts to fade. WHAT IS THIS.

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Back in Hammerhead, Cid tells us to go to the tomb up north somewhere, because that’s where Cor is. Uh, homeboy just told us he was in Hammerhead. Liar. Anyway, Cid tells us that the Nifs were after the crystal all this time, because the vast majority of Final Fantasies have some iteration of powerful crystal stories.

Meet up with Cor at the ruins, he explains some stuff about taking power from past kings, blah blah – basically Noctis has to grave rob his ancestors. Well, it’s not exactly grave robbing if you have the key to your family crypts.

Cor tells you that you have to do some more grave robbing, and he’ll accompany you this time as an accomplice – to measure your strength. Your kingdom falls, your dad’s dead, but you’re being graded. Although the dude wants to grade you, he doesn’t follow you into the next dungeon, but instead he’s got some things to check out with Niflheim. I think he’s just afraid of dark, enclosed spaces.

Anyway, Noctis gets his prize, and on the way out Cor says they need to take down a Niflheim base. They meet up with Monica to strategize. Now Cor is going to grade you for real. He sends your group sans you on a diversion errand, and he goes with you. After you succeed, Prompto, Ignis, and Gladio come waltzing in, oblivious to the devastation you’ve left in your wake. But that’s cool.

Then you have to fight this big Max Cuirass robot thing that this dude Loqi is operating. I don’t remember why he’s relevant, so just beat the little shit. Cor’s satisfied and says he’s off to keep and eye on Niflheim, but I think he’s just lazy and doesn’t want to walk –

THAT’S IT!
That’s what?
I’VE COME UP WITH A NEW RECIPE!
Oh. Ignis came up with a new recipe for camp. Awesome.

Now we’re treated to a cut scene of the emperor throwing a fit, because he wants the ring. Ravus rats out his sister as harboring it, because hoes ain’t loyal. Emperor Butthurt wants Lunafreya dead so he can have the ring.

The Chocobros stop at a gas station, and Ignis tells you that he trusts you with driving now. Trust me or not, he can drive, I have texts to send. Iris, Gladio’s sister calls, and tells them she’s in Lestallum and they should meet her there. Gladio is slightly butthurt that Noctis received a call and not him, but when you’re a shitlord, no one really cares about your feelings.

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You can make a pit stop to the Chocobo Ranch to find out why you can’t rent any goddamn chocobos. Turns out a monster called ‘Deadeye’ is preventing that, so the Chocobros have to get to the bottom of this. They find Deadeye’s lair, they see him, AND LOOK HERE, HE’S GOT A DEAD EYE. GET IT? I was surprised, though, his face was right next to the boys, and we know they’re sweaty and dirty from all the shit they’ve been killing, and usually when one sense fails or is weakened (he still has one decent eye) another gets stronger, so you’d expect him to smell some Chocobro stank. Anyway, the Chocobros are victorious, and now we can rent Chocobos! CON-KWEH-TULATIONS!

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Anyway, now to Lestallum to meet up with Iris and find out what else is going on.

They get to Lestallum and Noctis has a migraine. They go to the hotel where Iris tells them Luna got out before shit hit the fan, then everyone goes night night on Iris’ dollar. Gil. Whatever.

The next morning, your bros leave you with Iris, who obviously has a flaming crush on Noctis and she follows him around Lestallum while stating it’s like a date. Keep dreaming, girlfriend, Noctis is engaged to be hitched. Anyway, back at the hotel, Talcott tells them some bullshit ass story about a sword being in a cave behind a waterfall.

Only it’s not a bullshit ass story, but it’s real. Where did he get his information from? I want to see his credentials, he’s only like 8 or whatever, how did he know this and no one else did?

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Anyway, after some more tomb raiding (get it? GET IT?) they go back to Lestallum and Noctis has another migraine. Instead of taking some Excedrin, they decide to go to the outlook to look at the cliffs. They’re greeted by a friendly stranger who then wants them to follow him to the Archaean. Isn’t this how people are usually brutally murdered? Anyway, Ardyn likes to be in first place, and he doesn’t like you riding his bumper, so you have to keep a respectable distance in order to not hurt his feelings.

Anyway, the mysterious stranger leads you to another area, then ditches you. You find another grave, which is suspiciously out in the open, then move on up this obnoxious mountain and fight-slash-obtain your first Archaean. In the demo, Carbuncle said Titan was a gentle giant, but when he’s trying to flatten my ass with his truck sized feet, I don’t get the impression that he’s gentle at all. Whatever. Destroy his shit and he becomes yours.

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Shit’s about to go down, and the Niflheim chancellor appears – he’s the mysterious stranger! The mountain is going to like explode or whatever, and you have no choice but to go with him. I swear, they’re asking for this guy to Dahmer them.

Now we’re without a car, there’s blockades everywhere because Ravus is in his feelings over one thing or another, so they ask Cindy if she can locate the car. For all the technology Lucis had access to, no one thought to put GPS in it so they could locate it when it’s stolen. Umbra shows up, and they follow him to the broad that’s been randomly showing up in Prompto’s photographs. She tells them to find the ‘Stormsender’ because Lunafreya is a contract lawyer now and that’s where she is, working something out. Then Gentiana poofs out, and Umbra gives Noctis a book. Noctis scribble-scrabbles some stuff as he has a flashback to when he and Luna were kids, and then sends the dog on his way. Noctis has a moment with Gentiana talking to him in his head and she tells him he has to find the light. We don’t have to do much guesswork as to what her cryptic message means, because the main story quest  pops up right after.

We have no car, and the map is sending us like 3,000 miles away. Good thing we took care of Wiz’s problems at the ranch get to ride chocobos now.

Anyway, after the first two trials or whatever, the third location gets us to this electrified tree that when Noctis touches it, he remembers that he DOES, in fact, know Gentiana from when he was a kid. Apparently she hadn’t made much of an impression, as he forgot about her until his electroshock therapy jolted his mind.

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Afterwards, they find out that the Regalia is at a nearby Imperial base, so it’s time to get all stealthy. Ignis wants to devise a plan to get in, get the Regalia, and get out. But of course it’s not what happens.

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If you’re really good, you’ll make it to the car. If you’re really bad, you’ll still make it to the car. Either way, you have a boss fight when you make it to the car. Kick ass, take names, Ramuh shows up, get out.

But wait. Ravus is here. He wants to fight. Smack each other around for a few seconds, then Ardyn comes in and plays referee, telling Ravus they have their own plans or whatever.

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The boys go back to Lestallum, where they find out the Nifs were previously there, and they killed the old man, Jared, because they wanted to find Noct. If they were any decent at running their bases, they would have found Noct. Whatever. Iris takes Talcott to Caem and tells the boys to come with her.

THAT’S IT!
What’s up, Iggy?
I’VE COME UP WITH A NEW RECIPE!

Beforehand, there’s another base you can infiltrate, and it’s the base where you meet Aranea. You can argue with weaponry for a bit until she looks at her watch and says she doesn’t do overtime. Smart girl.

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The group finally arrives at Caem, and Cindy is there with Cid. She tells them that in order to get a boat to Altissia, they need parts for the boat. Of course. Because no one keeps up with repairs in this place. Apparently this makes Gladio get in his feelings or something, and he says he needs to take a break. OK, go. Not like half your blows land anyway, because your shit is so heavy and you move in slow motion.

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So the four chocobros are now down to three. Their missions are to find mythril and stuff for the boat. After getting the first items, the final place they go to happens to be where the Imperial army is. Ardyn is conveniently on site, and tells you to talk to Aranea. You run through a dungeon with her and become BFFs as she tells you the Imperial Army is getting stupid and she’s not down for it. Then you fight Quetzalcoatl, get the last thing you need, and she offers you a ride back to Lestallum.

In Lestallum, there’s an issue with the power plant, and no one can get in due to the daemons hanging out in there. Noctis puts on a space suit and heads on in. He meets another hunter who sounds vaguely familiar. WELL, WELL, AFTER KILLING THINGS, IT HAPPENS TO BE FEELINGS BOY. He’s got a couple of new scars because they want to highlight his bad boyness. Whatever.

Now a HUGE playable Cup Noodles commercial starts. Gladio goes on with this spiel about how good and convenient it is, and he wants something else to dress up the Cup Noodles – something fresh and fine. BEHEMOTH MEAT.

So you go out of your way to slay a behemoth for Gladio’s Cup Noodles. Then something special happens.

THAT’S IT!
What’s it?
I’VE COME UP WITH A NEW RECIPE!
I’ll taste test for ya.

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Recipes aside, they make the noodles with the behemoth meat. Or, rather, Ignis makes it. Then the boys decide to take on another base. Same as before, infiltrate, and get caught, don’t get caught, you still have to fight Loqi and the top guy at the previous base with Aranea, Caligo. I keep wanting to type ‘Caligula.’ I’m still not to sure why Loqi is relevant, but whatever. Beat them into submission, and leave.

Back at Caem, Umbra stops the boys for a minute with a note to Noct from Luna stating she’s waiting in Altissia. Awesome, we’re going there. Send Umbra on his way, because the dog is apparently even faster than Superman, and the boys get on the finally ready boat to Altissia.

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Buuuuuut not before Cor and Cid are all in their feelings about not being there for Regis and saying nothing could have really been done. After some ‘love your bros’ talk, we’re finally off to Altissia.

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Altissia has some seemingly strict rules about getting in, but Ignis goes on about how they’re in Altissia to study their culinary mastery, and it delights the border agent who allows them passage. That was easy. Even though Noctis is marrying Lunafreya – who is a super celebrity – in a not so small ceremony in Altissia and he’s not immediately recognized. But OK.

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They head to some expensive restaurant where Ignis learns some new RECIPEHS and they’re greeted by Altissia’s very own Hillary Clinton. They do some talk prior to summoning Leviathan, who – surprise – hangs out around the area. After Hil’s demands are met, we’re treated to a cut scene with Leviathan being moody because she was woken up from her nap. I’d be moody, too. Lunafreya pleads her case, but Leviathan decides that she’s not only  going to flip a table, but literally flip Altissia. Ok, I don’t get THAT moody.

Noctis is alone, as the others are taking care of business in the rest of Altissia. He goes up to Leviathan and asks for her power. She basically tells him she wants to throw hands. So we do.

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Hands are thrown, but Noctis is thrown harder. Ardyn wants the king’s ring, and Lunafreya is like no. He stabs her in the stomach. She tells him only Noctis gets the ring. He grabs her face, she starts to heal his arm or something, then he bitchslaps her hair style off her head, and leaves and Noctis watches the whole thing from a broken wall or whatever he’s laying on.

Luna uses her trident to call forth the power from the tombs and transfers it to Noctis. Noct takes advantage of the Quick Time Event, and cuts Leviathan, who bleeds water, and makes her his bitch. She drops a passed out Noctis by Lunafreya, and Titan shows up. Lunafreya musters her remaining strength to cradle Noctis. I’m not sure how Titan shows up here, when him showing up in other places is pretty strict depending on the place, whereas Ramuh shows up just about anywhere. I guess Ramuh didn’t want to kill all the fish in the sea. Titan moves some tectonic plates, and we’re treated to a cut scene of young Noctis talking to Lunafreya, annnnnnnnnnnnnd we’re basically told she’s dead.

Noctis wakes up in a seemingly empty bedroom, until we realize Ignis is there. Ignis relays the message that Luna has passed on, and Noctis notices Ignis is injured. Ignis mentions the book on the bed left by Umbra as he leaves, and Noctis realizes there’s a ring in his hand. It’s the Ring of Lucis, and in the book, Luna left her favorite flower pressed in the pages. Noctis is in his feelings. We’re in our feelings. At this point, it seems like Umbra is the only hope the world has.

Now we’re at the train part that is pretty straightforward until it can’t go forward anymore. The Chocobros are on the verge of disbanding, and they have to go down into the cave below to get things running again so they can continue on. You’re given an option of taking Ignis with you or leaving him behind, but whatever option you pick, Ignis is coming. Right.

Tensions are running high, and if you even go a little bit further, Gladio is a total shitlord. We’re conditioned the entire game to run and jump to make Noctis move as fast as possible (because we’re in a rush, not because we necessarily have to) and Gladio keeps yelling. Prompto tries to be the voice of reason, or at least keep the peace, but he’s pretty much ignored. Ignis is mostly silent, mainly because he’s trying not to trip.

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Gladio pretty much blames Noctis for everything. He never says it, but it’s heavily implied, so at this point Gladio is the king shitlord.

Oh hey, there’s a tomb down here. Guarded by a Marlboro. But since there’s all this tension, no one can get their shit together and they suck at this battle. They regroup, Ignis becomes Daredevil, and strategizes and fights better than everyone else.

Now the train can run again, and we can continue on to the next quest. On the train, Noctis and Ignis are discussing the events, and Noctis finds out that Ignis took initiative and sent Gladio out on recon. Gladio conveniently returns after this comment is made, and tells them about how nights are getting longer, and it’s deduced that if the trend continues, there won’t be days anymore. Funny how he got all this info on a train and not via some fancy Googling. After some discussion about daemons and night, Noctis is eventually left alone and time stops.

Noctis notices Ardyn, and he rushes him, trying to give him a beatdown, but Ardyn steps aside. Then Noct tries to cut him, and Ardyn runs. Noctis is looking for him in a game of cat and mouse, Ardyn says Noct is scaring him, and Noctis finally corners him. Ardyn says he wants to talk, Noct doesn’t care. Ardyn’s on this bizarre bipolar spectrum of ‘Sorta OK’ and ‘King Shitlord’ and he can’t seem to find a happy medium. The train lurches to a stop, and Noctis wakes up on the floor with Prompto asking if he’s OK. Noctis mentions Ardyn, but Prompto says he didn’t see him. They go to do a sweep of the train, aaannnddddd the Imperials start bombing the train.

You have to rush to where the bombing is coming from and stop it, because now the train has temporarily become self-aware of its health. So some stuff happens and more stuff happens, and the train finally gets moving again. Some imperial assault crafts show up, so Prompto and Noct are holding them off. After taking care of business there, Noctis goes to meet up with Prompto, and he comes across Ardyn holding a gun to Prompto. He lunges at Ardyn and knocks him off, but it turned out to be an illusion, because it was Prompto he knocked off the train. Ardyn then pistol whips Noctis and leaves.

Noctis contacts Ignis, telling him they have to go back, but Ignis states that going back could put the train and passengers in danger. His suggestion isn’t a recipe, but to regroup and figure out what to do from there. Noctis tries to make his way back, but he’s hindered by daemons. Leviathan senses that her bae, Noctis, is in trouble, and she shows up to ruin some lives. Literally.

They wind up in Tenebrae, where Aranea is already waiting. She declares that she’s going to take the passengers and leave the imperial army, because she ain’t about that life. She’s got two guys with her, Biggs and Wedge, and they’re either captains, colonels, or something like that. Whatever they are, they work for her. They’re going to man the train and help the remaining three Chocobros move on.

Before they go, Noctis has to go to an older woman who served Lunafreya’s family, and we’re treated to a cut scene of Lunafreya talking about how she’s pretty much dead inside, and how she wants Ravus to give Noctis the ring. Ravus is like nah, you do it. Back to the present, the old lady basically says that Ravus has been hanging onto Noctis’ dad’s sword for safekeeping, although previous meetups say otherwise.

As we trek back to the train, some little kid wants to talk about Lunafreya and the wedding that didn’t happen. We get another cut scene with Lunafreya admiring her expensive ass wedding dress while talking to Gentiana about things and how she wants to spend like five minutes with Noctis.

Back to the present, we finally get to the train, and before we go, Aranea basically declares she’s mama to all the currently displaced civilians.

They finally board the train, and things are fine for about two minutes before it stops, and the three have to go outside to find out why.

Everything is essentially frozen over. There’s a few waves of daemons to fight, but eventually we get moving again.

Inside the train is a wintry wonderland. Ardyn is there, and before he can start his juvenile bullshit again, Gentiana shows up, freezes him, and reveals herself to be Shiva.

Really? REALLY?

She could have saved hours of headaches, but she decides now she’s going to help you out for real real. She gives Noctis the trident Lunafreya had, and he uses it to destroy the Ardyn icicle. The train thaws and Shiva becomes your next summon.

As you move forward again, you see Ardyn, who basically tells you he’s immortal, but he’s also nice enough to let you know where he’s stashed Prompto. Oh yeah, he also blocks Noctis’ use of his kingly weapons. So he’s not really that nice.

The boys head to where Prompto is being held, and they have two minutes to get there, otherwise the gate is shut. Noctis steps on the gas, and while they just barely make it, the Regalia is destroyed to shit, and he gets separated from Ignis and Gladio.

He has no weapons, and there are imperial soldiers everywhere. Well, not everywhere, but you get the idea.

But wait! He still has the Ring of Lucis! After some internal struggle or another, he decides to put it on. There’s a late game tutorial disguised as some random battles that explain how to use it. And now we’re ready to go forth with the thirteen hour long Chapter 13.

This chapter was so long, tedious, and relentless, I’ve honestly blocked most of it out. It wasn’t difficult, but the fact that Noctis only walked really slowly, there were some attempted jump scares along with a few Prompto hallucinations, in addition to finding keycards to get access to things, restoring power, taking naps, finding Ravus’ body to get back his father’s sword – the chapter was a giant run on – just like this sentence. Not only did Ardyn psychologically torment Noctis, the tediousness of this chapter tormented me.

Anyway, the boys finally reunite – courtesy of everyone’s favorite immortal psychopath- they find Prompto in the early stages of crucifixion, and get him down. They move along to find out how to restore Noctis’ powers, and Ignis recognizes a sound he heard on the train, since his eyesight is gone, he has super hearing.

They try to find a way into the room, and it’s where Prompto drops the bombshell that he’s not exactly human, but a magitek … person? Whatever, he has a way of getting everyone into the room to fuck shit up so Noctis can regain his powers.

Backtracking, Ravus is now a drooly Zombie Ravus who grew like three feet, and while he begs them to kill him, he has super high defense and attacks the shit out of you. Zombie Ravus finally goes down, Gladio gives some bizarre monologue no one really gives a shit about, and daemons start swarming the newly regrouped Chocobros. They tell Noct to go on ahead, and he eventually finds the crystal and asks for its help.

It starts to eat him, and as it’s working on nomming Noctis, Ardyn shows up and explains the whole star scourge is behind the demons, and that years ago, in Lucis, there was a man who healed this affliction of man. As he healed people who were afflicted, the daemons were housed in his body. Ardyn then reveals that he is pretty much Noctis’ super great great great great uncle, and that while the throne was rightfully his, he was denied it. He lets the crystal eat Noctis as he mentions that some dude named Izunia is pretty much the real villain, and also that he wants Noctis to be a challenge when he returns to fight him.

The bros show up a little too late and try to kill Ardyn, not knowing he’s immortal. They eventually see Ardyn for the daemon he is, and just watch him walk out, not knowing what to do. Ignis would have known what to do – if he could see.

The game goes back to Noct, who is floating in some galactic womb, and Bahamut starts his ‘revelation of Bahamut’ AND NOW WE FINALLY KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE BAHAMUT.

So Bahamut telepathically explains that Ardyn is back, and that Noctis has to die to save everyone and everything in the world. He drops him, and Noctis floats in the galactic womb and has flashbacks throughout his life as the Ring of Lucis basically charges. Then Bahamut kicks you out of galactic womb.

Noctis wakes up on that Angelwing Island that Prompto took a picture of earlier in the game.

Outside, Noctis is greeted by Umbra, who again should really be the savior of the world, and retrieves the message Umbra holds. It states that they’re waiting for him in Hammerhead.

Everything is overcast, and when Noctis lands on the dock in Galdin Quay, he’s attacked by daemons. He makes his way out, and there’s no Regalia, no chocobos, so he has to walk to Hammerhead.

As he starts his trek north, a truck makes its way down the road and stops for him. It’s Talcott, but he’s kind of … bigger. Noctis talks to him for a bit to find out what’s been going on AND IT’S TEN YEARS LATER. You would think that something so powerful could have charged quicker.

Talcott explains that Lestallum is the only place with light, and that the majority of the population is housed there. The rest of the population has become daemon hunters, and while Ignis is still blind, he hunts with Prompto and Gladio.

Talcott brings Noctis to Hammerhead, where he’s reunited with his chocobros, and there’s a whole bromance scene going on where we see how everyone’s aged, and how long they’ve waited for Noctis.

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Before they head to Insomnia to save the world, they all decide it’s time to rock their Crownsguard Gear, and Noctis is wearing clothing very similar to what Regis wore.
They get to Lucis, and it’s nothing really remarkable. They just fight some enemies that have decided to troll the street corners, only they’re not trading tricks for cash. In order to get to the citadel where super great uncle is chillin’, they have to go via subway paths, because the initial path is blocked. And for a town that has basically been uninhabited by humans for the better part of a decade, the lights still work.

They finally get through the gates, and Ardyn is talking about Ifrit and states that he hates humans. He thinks he’s witty when he states that Ifrit is going to give them a warm welcome. Shut the fuck up.

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Remember that ~FORESHADOWING~ in the beginning? This is it.

You have to attempt to smack the shit out of this 800 foot god, and when you whittle his health down to just enough, Bahamut decides now’s the time he’ll show his face. Not who I expected, since Ifrit is FIRE, but I’ll take it. He chops off Ifrit’s horn and leaves us. We’re led to believe that Bahamut is generally the strongest in any game, but he just pissed Ifrit off, who’s going on a fiery rampage. Boy, it sure would be nice to fight FIRE with ICE.

When we’re pretty close to killing him, Shiva finally decides to show up. She gives Ifrit a smoochy kiss and he melts. Well, when you put a flame out, it’s usually charred and ash. But you know what I mean.

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The chocobros make their way into the citadel, which is remarkably clean, considering it should be caked in dust and cobwebs. They head to the elevator so they don’t have to take the stairs, and again, I’m impressed – it works. When they arrive at their floor, Noctis requests and subsequently takes a photo from Prompto.

bodies

They make their way up to the throne room where the false king sits with chained bodies hanging above him. It’s the Emporer Iedolas, King Regis, Lunafreya, and Nyx. Ardyn wants to fight Noctis, and he seemingly kills the other chocobros and takes off. For someone who wants me to kick his ass, he sure runs a lot. Before you can even begin to question how the hanging bodies lasted for a decade with very minimal – if even nonexistent – decomposition, it’s revealed to be an illusion.

Out on the city streets, Ardyn is just whining and talking shit as you’re battling. He doesn’t really say anything noteworthy until you finally get him down to the end of his health.

Noctis finally takes his place on the throne, and Regis stands by with his back facing him. Surprisingly, the bodies of the chocobros are missing, even though they were here five minutes ago. Anyway, Noctis calls on the past kings of Lucis, who all violently stab him with their weapons as he flashes back to his life with his friends and Lunafreya. Noctis finally tells Regis to do this thing, and Regis stabs him, simultaneously killing him and waking up with Ring of Lucis.

Back in galactic womb, we see Noctis and Ardyn, still with his fedora, still signalling that he’s a dickhead. Then the other chocobros appear alongside Regis. Ardyn reaches his hand out like he’s going to do something bad, but Luna grabs his hand and does something magical with light. The last QTE appears, and Noctis has a hand full of power and his back gives birth to the swords that went through him a minute ago. As Noctis motions a punch towards Ardyn, his murderous forefathers fling themselves forward, plunging their blades into Ardyn, and essentially dissipate him.

Noctis, exhausted, follows suit.

Then we hear them struggling with the Regalia in the beginning, but the screen is black as the credits start to roll.

We’re treated to another somber scene, with the boys around their last campfire, as Noctis finally kinda, somewhat explains how much he appreciates them. Everyone cries for a few seconds, and we’re back to credits.

Then the credits chill out for a bit again, and we’re treated to daylight, and the camera pans into the throne room, where we see Noctis on the throne in kingly raiments, looking at the photograph he took from Prompto. He turns to face Luna, as he shows her the photo, she looks at it lovingly, then they kiss.

And so now, people on the internet fight over the ending. Half say they’re dead, half say they’re alive, half say only some are alive.

“You do realize that three halves, right?”

bros.jpg

Author: Chrissy

Chrissy enjoys gaming, writing, and thinks she has an awesome sense of humor. Expect her to find a way of combining everything.

1 thought on “Final Fantasy XV: A Ridiculous Summary”

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