Resident Evil 6: A Ridiculous Summary

Because it’s taking me a while to compile the Final Fantasy XV ridiculous summary, I’ll leave this old one here. Warning: It’s long and demented. It was most likely a 2am rant at some point in my life.

Chris and Piers’ story.

HI, I’M CHRIS. I AM AN AMNESIAC ALCOHOLIC.

CHRIS, I AM PIERS. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU. I FOUND YOU.

WHO ARE YOU YOU DON’T REMEMBER? LOOK AT THESE NAMES, DUDE. THEY’RE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU.

NOOOOOO

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

Now we’re in fake Yugoslavia, where European dudes are doing a new form of heroin. It’s a lot of war torn shit, buildings are broken, all the dudes are wearing very similar clothing, like all the stuff we wore back in the 90s and donated to the Salvation Army when it went out of style.

Ok, we’re bored here, we’re going to Hong Kong, where Asians are turning into bugs and stuff, and the random dude with a chainsaw evolved from RE5. Tra la la, we’re fake sci-fi Call of Duty and stuff, and everything is codenamed after a bad poker game. We Call of Duty it up with exploding helicopters, and one by one everyone dies and gets mutated into shit we have to kill.

Hey, Sherry’s alive with this dude. I, Chris Redfield, am the only one that knows Wesker banged someone or whatever and had a kid, even though Wesker and I hated each other so much that I killed him with rocks and stuff. And Leon and I are like BFFs, but we hardly saw each other,because I was a missing amnesiac. Eventually we get to this funky underwater facility, and it turns into a neo-CoD Bioshock hybrid, but this shit is already sci-fi, so it’s acceptable. Rapture 2.0.

Piers decides to be the hero so Chris can never retire from the BSAA and loses like half his body. He saved some of the new age heroin, pixie sticks, or whatever the hell it is kids are doing these days, and injected that shit to grow some funky new arm or whatever, and Piers becomes a human electrical socket. They fight this big thing, Piers shocks it to death after Chris shoots it a few times, then Piers conveniently realizes that he’s losing his mind to the virus. He forces Chris out into the escape pod, because the facility is suddenly on self-destruct or something (as usual), then as Chris is poofing out of the place all safe and sound in his pod, Piers does some electrical beam or something that Storm from Xmen would envy, but he’s so much better than her, because even though water conducts electricity, he did not destroy all the fish in the ocean and Chris’ pod gets him to safety.

Leon and Helena

THE PRESIDENT IS DEAD. HE’S A ZOMBIE! BLAT BLAT, MOTHERFUCKER.

Oh no, the president is dead! Helena, we need to get out of here.

LEON. I HAVE A DEEP DARK SECRET.

HELENA, WHAT IS IT THIS IS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION.

LEON. WE NEED TO GO. TO THIS PLACE AWAY FROM HERE. I’LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

Why can’t you tell me now?

LEON. BECAUSE REASONS. AND THINGS. AND STUFF. -dramatic stance- I NEED TO SHOW YOU.

OK. LOOK, A POLICE CAR. LET’S ESCAPE LIKE I ESCAPED RACCOON CITY IN THE BEGINNING OF RE2 WITH CLAIRE.

Zombies say nope again, Leon crashes the shit out of the car. Again. Yeah, fuck you Leon, way to drop the goddamn ball again, and they say women ar \e bad drivers. This shit wouldn’t have happened if Claire were driving. How does this dude keep a license? And what kind of idiot cop keeps a spare key to a COP CAR IN THE VISOR THING, DUDE? AGAIN.

I don’t remember exactly what happens, but we’re underground now, trains are still running or something, and there’s a herd of zombies. Now the trains stopped, let’s get on.

LEON, IT’S HUNNIGAN, I POP IN RANDOMLY AND NO ONE PAYS ATTENTION TO ME. YOU GUYS ARE IN TROUBLE OR SOMETHING AT THIS POINT. YOU’RE WANTED FOR KILLING THE PRESIDENT I THINK.

She pops in randomly with absolutely useless information. A lot. THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

Leon’s upset. Helena is even more upset.

DEBRAH I’M SO SORRY IT’S ALL MY FAULT.

Who the fuck is Debrah and where does she come into all this?

They get to a church and there is a titzilla vagina monster that spews zombie air stuff and everyone is susceptible to becoming a zombie except Leon and Helena, even though they breathe in the bulk of that purple flatulence.

COUGH COUGH GREEN HERB MADDAFUCKA

Then they’re in the catacombs, that rich guy whose name I forget is really a bad guy and like part scientist or something, I don’t remember. At this point the story is all over the place and I’m being attack by strong ass emaciated zombie skeletons. Seriously, they have enough skin on their rotted bodies to cover my entire index finger, but whatevs. It’s sci-fi.

DEBRAH!!!!!!

Oh shit, it’s Helena’s sister and stuff. She’s like dead-ish, but Helena says we can save her. Let’s piggyback out. OH NO, DEBRAH IS THE NEW ALEXIA WITH BIG ZOMBIE MONSTER TITS AND BIG ZOMBIE MONSTER ASS AND LIKE A SCORPION STINGER OR SIX COMING OUT OF HER BACK OR WHATEVER.

ADA, I AM LEON YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IT IS IMPLIED I LOVE YOU OR SOMETHING.

Leon, I am Ada. I am a cool, calm, collected Eurasian lady spy person.

ADA WHO DO YOU WORK FOR WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.

Oh Leon, such a little boy.

We defeat Debrah, she’s gonna die, Helena finally shows some more human emotion, and tries to save her. Debrah’s like bitch, I’m a muthafuckin’ monster, yo, you’re coming with me.

HELENNNAAAAAAA.

Ada gets jealous and shoots at Helena after hearing her rendition of Leon’s scream, but hits Debrah and Helena is saved.

ADA YOU ARE HELENA’S HERO WAIT WHERE DID YOU GO

Helena’s like, “Oh, she does this a lot?”

YEP.  BUT I LOVE HER. (It’s implied)

They wind up in Hong Kong, naturally everyone dies. Simmons (I think) is obsessed with Ada, Ada hated him, so he cloned her. Clone went crazy, she’s doing all this. ERMGERD NOT ADA WONG CAUSING MAYHEM. Fake Ada gets hungry and decides to devour the ship they’re on. I don’t remember how they got here. Also – she wears bad clothes.

They fight her, she goes back to her human form and she dies after jumping off the ledge and goes splat splat. Then Simmons dude is infected, because Fake Ada infected him, he’s a bunch of things. Strong guy, a giant fly, then he’s Fakeasaurus Godzilla man. Finally the motherfucker dies, his body gets impaled on this spike thing, and his blood makes the Umbrella symbol. POETIC JUSTICE. Ahhh, didn’t see dat one comin’, bitches!

Sherry and Jake: “We’re young and carefree -”

I have no idea what this story was about, I just blew through it to unlock the Mercs level. There’s Fake Nemesis. Jake is Wesker’s son. Sherry has super healing shit courtesy of papa Birkin after virtually raping her at the tender age of 12 or something. Jake is a fake Tyrant courtesy papa Wesker. There’s a Fake ass Nemesis flying around with a detachable hand/claw combo thing. Sherry and Jake fall in love at the end after they literally fly out of a flaming corridor.

Post credits scene: Jake likes apples.

Author: Chrissy

Chrissy enjoys gaming, writing, and thinks she has an awesome sense of humor. Expect her to find a way of combining everything. Or die trying.

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